She’d traced our family history to Venice and beyond, most proud of the fact that we shared the same bloodline with Austrian composer, Franz Schubert; and rightfully so. Much like our famed ancestor, she too was a great lover of the arts; heavily involved in theatre, she studied and composed music, as well as being a poet and playwright, she was also a teacher by trade.

She only entered our lives at the very end of her own, but the impression she left on me would be a lasting and profound one. She was quite well-to-do, with a penchant for platinum and diamond jewels of all sorts and sizes. These were pillaged, pledged and pawned upon her demise and each time I saw one of her precious pieces gracing the finger or neck of another, it overwhelmed my young mind with fury. I was only twelve at the time, but even so, it just felt wrong to me.

My grandmother insisted that I take her circa 1930’s dressing table with matching gold chair and I was delighted beyond words, as it was truly a remarkable piece that exuded feminine flare. Much to my delight, they hadn’t bothered to empty it of anything other than her jewels, and so left the drawers filled with all her personal papers. This is where the true treasure was to be found.

The story of her life; compiled and preserved in photos and words, neatly organized in a beautiful old leather portfolio. I keep it in my office gracing the shelf that holds my own stories and take it down from time-to-time, just to reconnect.

I came across this nostalgic little pamphlet today, published January 1st, 1926 by the M. Stein Cosmetic Co. in New York and thought it worth sharing. It’s good to look back every now and then; for sometimes in going back, it’s the only way to move forward.

Click images to enlarge

I feel him pulling
Moving away
Gently he slips
In directions
Opposite me

Testing his wings
Determined and courageous
The look in his eyes
Reveals fear of
Full flight

No longer
My little boy
Always my baby

No matter how
Far from me
The universe
Takes him

Of typical concern
My own human flaws
Hoping my guidance
Has properly prepared him

It was the day I had anticipated, even before the surgery; the day I would come out of my cast and take my life back. Having spent two weeks locked within the confines of my own walls, seeing the outside world through limited squares of glass; the same view each day, changing significantly given the time of day or night I happened to look out.

I refused to take the medicine, preferring a clear head to an ease in my pain; at least for this day. I emerged into the world canopied by ancient oaks, and the air, though warm and heavy with humidity, felt good and inviting upon my flesh. By the time I made it down the steps, across the walk and to the car in the drive, the first wave of nausea began to assail. Out on the road my head started to spin until I rested my chin on my chest, forced to close my eyes.

Everything familiar; sights and sounds, I had not been part of for so long, yet it went on without me, without any change. Only I was different in this realm; my mind, my body, my thoughts and my purpose; having little to no effect outside my own walls.

A humbling, if not depressing realization, when ones reach gives the illusion of being so broad.

Hours later the cast was removed, my leg no longer my own; as if it were not an extension of my living body; foreign, limp, vulnerable, weak and painful in its numbing healing. And the tears came hard and fast. For I had built up my hopes, created my own beliefs, that I would walk out of that office, my life once more my own. But it didn’t happen like that; didn’t even come close.

And so I sit propped against my pillows, darkness outside my windows; crutches always by my side, leg elevated at all times. Restricted in every way, a new cast worse than the first; more painful, more confining, urging healing of a different manner. Pain in different places, nerves coming back to life; sending lightening bolts of electric heat careening to my toes.

And as I sit, I ponder and I wonder…what in the world was I thinking? Feeling sorry, completely helpless, wanting just my life back; screaming inside my mind, what the hell have I done?!

Then the phone rang and I answered; the voice on the other end never having before called me. “How in the world did you know it was me?” he said. “I’d know that voice anywhere” I answered; my grandfather reaching out from the other side of the world, to see how I was doing. And I realized in that moment that my reach is broader than I could have imagined, and comes to rest in all the right places.

Reading
Writing
Laughing
Loving

Sun shines
brightly
Sunday
Fun day

Finding that
Moment
Holding it
Strong

Hoping it
Lasts
A good long
Time….

I never wanted to have children, for the simple fact that I believed the world to be too cruel a place. God had other plans; casting upon and within me, a new life that most certainly saved my own. From that moment, life as I knew it was forever changed; and I realized what a beautiful and glorious place the world truly is; that it’s the people within that are ugly and cruel; those who refuse, or are simply blinded by the illusion of this corporeal world, to see the true magic that surrounds them.

And so for the past eleven years, I have nurtured, cherished and shared my self and my world with my child, and while I will protect him till the end, I will never stifle or try to control the person he is; the little man he has been since day one. For he came to me an old soul, quite set in his ways already; no doubt ready to elevate to the highest plane of existence once his time here is done; teaching me as much about life, love, living, the human condition and compassion than I ever learned on my own.

While he most certainly was a gift given by God, I know that he is not mine to keep, and so inasmuch as it is my responsibility to prepare him for the trials and tribulations of life, provide him with all the necessary tools to grow and flourish into the man I know he will one day become; I have only asked, and will ever ask, but one thing of him; that is to be true to himself.

Thank you for your words that brought me to this place. I needed to be here more than you can possibly know.

Peace,
Jill

102 in the shade
Suffocating humidity
No breeze to speak of
All those gathered
Dressed in black

Mourning the loss
Young life wasted
Blood and tears pouring
Tragically taken

Listening through the wall
Razors trembling fingers
As her mother fucked
Yet another unknown stranger

The warning signs
Flashing neon
Young voice hoarse
Screaming out for help

But she had no interest
In playing mother
Too busy living
Her own lost youth

The belle of the ball
Life’s ongoing party
Of superficial friends
Hookups and hangovers

Standing at the graveside
Pounding in her head
Fist full of dirt
Her only child dead

…to all my amigos and familia, for making this an absolutely unforgettable birthday! For an even number, 42′s not looking so bad. I appreciate and cherish each and every one of you, truly!

Peace and Love to you all,
jilly

image: April 17, 1968 – my 1st birthday

Breakfast bar
Bellies
Full

Grandma’s car
Speaker
Phone

Check balance
Papa’s
Giftcards

Giggling girls
Sitting
Waiting

Aunt Jilly
So
Silly

Mimicking voices
Burping
Crapola

Searching site
Highspeed
Internet

Laughing still
Singing
Jingle-bells

Balances checked
Twenty-five
Ten

Unknown lingo
Venti
Bold

Bye Aunt-Jilly
Gotta
Go

Drop-off babies
Starbucks
Ho

I opened the envelope, slowly removed the card, and realized immediately that it was so much more than that.

Greenery of a pine tree trimmed the edges, nestled in the corner was a gold globe ornament, encasing the image of my beautiful friend Denise and her son. Their eyes sparkling, filled with love, smiles of happiness and pure joy, radiating from the image, wrapping around my heart.

Mother and Child, the embodiment of Christmas; a reminder in times when commercialism reaches its peak and we’re all expected to give and receive, what’s truly important in life and why we celebrate this wondrous season in the first place. Even more special because of the trials and tribulations I know they’ve overcome, to get to that captured moment in time; sharing with me that joyous piece of their lives.

A single, simple card, meant as a holiday greeting; the best gift I could hope to receive; one that will be treasured long after the season reaches its end. A reminder in this turbulent world that it all comes down to love…