An advertisement for acclaimed feature films that grabbed my attention. And so I began to browse the images of the available DVD’s. It was a strange, almost eerie image that I was drawn to; the silhouette of a horse with its head in a downward position and something unidentifiable in the one visible eye; the word ZOO typed beside it.

I went online and did a search for the movie trailer. Upon closer examination of the movie poster, it appeared to be the bust of a naked man reflected in the horses eye, but I couldn’t make it out for certain. Then I began to read the blurb and immediately wished that I had never received the catalog, as I read about the feature length documentary that focuses on a man who died and his group of friends in Washington State who call themselves the Zoo; partaking and video taping their acts of zoophilia with the stallions; having chosen this particular farm, due to the fact that there are no state laws against having sex with animals.

“JESUS CHRIST,” I heard my self say aloud, just as the darkness came crashing down.

I know you feel the weight of my heavy, saddened heart, laden with complete and utter disgust.; but do you hear the sound, of my wounded soul weeping; for my self and all of mankind?

What comfort can you offer, in light of such abomination; vile, shameful, detestable acts; exploited documentary style, romanticized by critics, that I have unwillingly become privy to this night?

There are moments we live that stay with us forever; traces we’ll carry into the ether. There are sights and sounds and things we witness, that leave such an impression, we are changed forever.

I fear the mark made on my psyche and soul, will remain a permanent stain that will never fade away. And there is no understanding, no wanting of reason; just pure abhorrent evil, the only conclusion, to why man could do such things.

And I wonder why, such pathetic beings, are given life in the first place. Allowed to breath and breed right along side us.

My instinct is to hide. To take my child and run as far from mankind as we can possibly get. But I no longer believe there is a safe place, for we are surrounded at all times, each and every day of our lives.

Yesterday the headlines. Today this. I cannot help but wonder, what message the universe is trying to send me, by blinding me with this darkness.

DEAR GOD…won’t you please deliver us from this evil?

An advertisement for acclaimed feature films that grabbed my attention. And so I began to browse the images of the available DVD’s. It was a strange, almost eerie image that I was drawn to; the silhouette of a horse with its head in a downward position and something unidentifiable in the one visible eye; the word ZOO typed beside it.

I went online and did a search for the movie trailer. Upon closer examination of the movie poster, it appeared to be the bust of a naked man reflected in the horses eye, but I couldn’t make it out for certain. Then I began to read the blurb and immediately wished that I had never received the catalog, as I read about the feature length documentary that focuses on a man who died and his group of friends in Washington State who call themselves the Zoo; partaking and video taping their acts of zoophilia with the stallions; having chosen this particular farm, due to the fact that there are no state laws against having sex with animals.

“JESUS CHRIST,” I heard my self say aloud, just as the darkness came crashing down.

I know you feel the weight of my heavy, saddened heart, laden with complete and utter disgust.; but do you hear the sound, of my wounded soul weeping; for my self and all of mankind?

What comfort can you offer, in light of such abomination; vile, shameful, detestable acts; exploited documentary style, romanticized by critics, that I have unwillingly become privy to this night?

There are moments we live that stay with us forever; traces we’ll carry into the ether. There are sights and sounds and things we witness, that leave such an impression, we are changed forever.

I fear the mark made on my psyche and soul, will remain a permanent stain that will never fade away. And there is no understanding, no wanting of reason; just pure abhorrent evil, the only conclusion, to why man could do such things.

And I wonder why, such pathetic beings, are given life in the first place. Allowed to breath and breed right along side us.

My instinct is to hide. To take my child and run as far from mankind as we can possibly get. But I no longer believe there is a safe place, for we are surrounded at all times, each and every day of our lives.

Yesterday the headlines. Today this. I cannot help but wonder, what message the universe is trying to send me, by blinding me with this darkness.

DEAR GOD…won’t you please deliver us from this evil?

I see you suffering, and I wish there was something I could do for you.

I witness your pain, and my own heart aches.

I see you spiraling, faster each day; downward motion to nowhere land.

I wonder who’ll be waiting when you reach the end.

Unsure what led you to this path; you no longer walk, but run these days.

The shift came sudden and without any warning.

Your sanity slipped and crazed madness set in.

You pushed aside all that was real; lost sight of your self completely.

Chasing that ever illusive sensation; known simply as euphoria.

You haven’t a positive word to say; allowing negativity to swallow you whole.

I say these things, because I know this place; having visited a time or two.

Your beauty and intelligence still shines in your eyes; though clouded by your tears.

With love and understanding, I offer this prayer; that someday soon, you’ll find your way home.

I never wanted to have children, for the simple fact that I believed the world to be too cruel a place. God had other plans; casting upon and within me, a new life that most certainly saved my own. From that moment, life as I knew it was forever changed; and I realized what a beautiful and glorious place the world truly is; that it’s the people within that are ugly and cruel; those who refuse, or are simply blinded by the illusion of this corporeal world, to see the true magic that surrounds them.

And so for the past eleven years, I have nurtured, cherished and shared my self and my world with my child, and while I will protect him till the end, I will never stifle or try to control the person he is; the little man he has been since day one. For he came to me an old soul, quite set in his ways already; no doubt ready to elevate to the highest plane of existence once his time here is done; teaching me as much about life, love, living, the human condition and compassion than I ever learned on my own.

While he most certainly was a gift given by God, I know that he is not mine to keep, and so inasmuch as it is my responsibility to prepare him for the trials and tribulations of life, provide him with all the necessary tools to grow and flourish into the man I know he will one day become; I have only asked, and will ever ask, but one thing of him; that is to be true to himself.

Thank you for your words that brought me to this place. I needed to be here more than you can possibly know.

Peace,
Jill

The truth of us.

Something you believe only the two of you share; yet something we’ve all been forced to wonder about. We too had a truth in an airport, he and I; just as he had truths made up of lies with a plethora of intelligent, creative, beautiful, loving, soulful women; all of which were spoon-fed the exact same line, differing only slightly, as the situation, circumstance and female heart warranted.

At this point, you refuse to believe that which your mind has forced you to wonder of; as your heart precariously dangles by a soul string. Wanting so much to believe that he is who he says, that YOU are the twin of his flame, the mate of his soul and yours is the only connection that is real and matters. Refusing to believe that what you shared during your time together meant nothing, when it meant and still means, absolutely everything to you.

Finally realizing, for the first time in your life, since your karmic connection, that YASS, this is the way it was intended. Finally another soul on earth, who understands you like none other. No judgments; just complete, unconditional acceptance and love. Exactly what you always knew, in the depths of your soul, love was supposed to be. Every wasted moment and past mistake leading to this crossroad that brought the two of you together….

Ignoring the red flags, due to his lifetime membership within the upper echelons of intelligencia. Stories of his dysfunctional and abusive childhood, which as a mother you can surely sympathize. His self-destructive pain and angst, leading him to long for death; his only comfort found within darkness’ welcome embrace; singing always that sweet song of stygian.

Believing in your heart that your love for him can and will make a difference; that happiness can be found and shared, if only he would allow himself to trust, believe and take your hand. At this point, your perception of your own reality so skewed that you know for certain the only way to survive this life is with him by your side.

Wake up, love. This isn’t a classic movie you’re starring in; this is your life you’re allowing him to fuck with. There’s an antidote for those of us who have been infected with this disease; the first step is realizing you want and need to be cured.

The sooner you realize that there is no truth where the Hyena is concerned and the only reason he will ever come back is if there is something he needs from you, which he cannot provide for himself; the better off you and yours will be.

The only way to get back to living is by killing the Hyena. He must become dead to you in order to see and accept the truth; the only truth there is of him. The one too many of us have come to know…

Forgive my delayed response; not for lack of trying, but it seemed as if each time I sat to pen my reply, something or someone needed my immediate attention. I’m sure you understand and can relate.

You asked if you are allowed to be this happy…not only are you “allowed,” but you deserve such happiness. Everything in life happens for a reason, of that there can be no doubt. Every path we choose, every road we travel, will eventually lead us to the place we are supposed to be. But it is up to us, to have our eyes open and recognize that place when presented to us. It appears you have done just that.

Yes, Ophelia, there will be times when you feel as if the separation will bring about your undoing, but this will only strengthen your bond and aide your determination in bringing to fruition that day when you are no longer forced to leave each others side; a day, I must say, that has been long in coming.

From the beginning…

How clearly I remember; how I longed to experience that love which you found; how many years and miles I had to travel to find it; and the devastation you felt when it abruptly ended. No words or actions could comfort, or take away the pain that assaulted and threatened to consume. But even then, I did not believe it was over; nor did you. Women’s intuition so finely tuned, at such young ages.

Never second-guess your self, Ophelia; and never let it be said that true love does not overcome and conquer all. I’ll await your reply and be with you every step of your journey; whenever you need or want me there.

In peace and love,
Anastasia

It has been so long since we sat and talked. There once was a time; long, long ago, when there was nothing we didn’t share. Two young girls; hearts brimming with hopes, dreams and silly fears, of that which was unknown; much that we only imagined, some truths that even now are difficult to comprehend; but still, here we are; all these years later, reaching out and connecting. Confidences shared, vulnerabilities exposed, trusts forged; and life goes on.

I must confess that I often miss those days of youthful innocence, but treasure the memory of them always. And so it was with abundant respect that I accepted your news of this second chance of which you spoke; with such heartfelt joy that it leapt from the page and struck my own soul.

For I too know about second chances, am well versed in affairs of the heart; and can tell you with complete and utter certainty that soul mates and twin flames do, indeed, exist.

Your happiness is such that you spend every waking moment in a state of euphoria; counting the moments until you can be together again. The wait is agony, yet such sweet suffering it is; for you know what awaits you and how far you have traveled to finally meet at this crossroad once more.

There are times when you fight sleep; unable to bear the pain of such missing, during your hours of slumber; and at others, you cannot wait to rest your head, close your eyes with the memory of him fresh in your mind, the scent of him still lingering; recounting every second spent, ever word spoken, every touch and caress; given and felt; knowing full well that you will find him in your dreams.

Ah, yes, how well I know this love you speak of. Having rejoiced and basked in its eternal promise; suffered and sacrificed to attain that which I needed more than my next breath. Knowing full well that should it ever cease to exist, so would life as I had come to know it. The pain, the torment, the agony and the angst; diffused completely by a single embrace.

But I warn you, dearest Ophelia, that second chances are not for the faint of heart. Most will never know the meaning of true love; cannot fathom that somewhere on this earth there is a twin that completes and makes us whole. And so, if a second chance, by fates hand be granted, you must grasp it with every ounce of your being and be mindful to wrap with ties that bind, but never constrict.

There will be those who scoff and scorn; will bring up past mistakes; of yours, his and those you made together, when the ignorance of youth was all you knew and held you under its wicked spell. Know that such negativity is not given out of love, but is born of pure, unadulterated jealousy. Resentful and loathing of you, are they; because you have found and accepted that which they know not the meaning of.

Take heed, Ophelia, when I tell you that there are those who would rather see you suffer as they, than rejoice and share in your happiness. They may not even be consciously aware of their actions; and so it is up to you to proceed with eyes wide open; armed and ready, to battle for that which your heart does know.

I leave you with my blessing and full support. Go now, to the man of your dreams; the keeper of the key, that fits the lock you fastened tightly around your heart. Trust your intuition, your inner voice; make every moment count and live your life with him well.

In light,
Anastasia