Monthly Archives: May 2008

Miss Lily

31 May 2008

I’ve been out and about today – wandering aimlessly, lazily, with no responsibility to speak of and lots of things to think about – and so I did what I do best – escape. Not into the darkness of my room and the comfort of my bed, but rather into the world, with words to keep me company – reading and writing for most of the day – while the sun shone upon me, filling me with warmth that soothed my troubles, along with the words.

I came home and turned on the computer, not really sure if I wanted to, but certainly glad I did, when I came across my friend, Dennis’ post – Miss Lily.

This is a place I go often, when my heart and soul are in need of a quick pick-me-up, as his images and words have never failed me. It’s nice to know that in this crazy, delusional cyber world of make-believe, where people pretend to be all sorts of things they aren’t and everyone’s motive seems to be, take – take – take that I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to come to know someone so talented and genuine in their caring, kindness and overall goodness.

Thank you, my mountain-man friend, for brightening my world with your beauty!

Peace & Love,
Jill

just rambling

31 May 2008

Watching the bar flash black against the white screen – filled with thoughts – so many thoughts – none I’m able to actually put into words. So I’ll just start moving my fingers and see what comes out, as I binge on caffeine and nicotine then purge my soul with reckless abandon…

Little buddy at a friend’s house, whose parents I’ve never met – left it up to daddy – have to trust the right decision was made without my input. Lazy day – watching the cars pass by – wondering where everyone is going in such a rush – do they even see that big white puffy cloud shaped like a dragon – wings spread in flight, fire flying from it’s mouth – wafting gently overhead? No – they’re off to hunt the next big yard sale – fight the crowd at the clearance sale at Bealls – or snatch up one of the last remaining half-off grills at Walmart – too fucking busy to look around – stop – smell that batch of hot pink roses that grows year round in the median they pass each time they pull into Bartram Walk; to get their fix of Starbucks, peruse the art gallery or fill their guts on overpriced fare at any one of the upscale eateries. Always the same – nothing ever changes – rush…rush…rush….

Starbuck packed to the rafters – not a table to be had – and the noise…so much noise – so I cruise to the other side of the plaza to Cellar Grille Tavern which is closed, and mine alone for the moment. Found a table with my name on it – outlet for laptop and all – and here I sit – in quiet contemplation, until she approaches and interrupts my zen – wanting to know what time they open. I don’t fucking know, I want to scream, but turn and look at the door, back to her and reply, “The sign says four.” She proceeds to tell me about the quail her husband ate last night which made him deathly ill – food poisoning, absolute – even though they eat here all the time; just wanted them to know so they don’t serve it again. Right! I’m sure they’ll pull it the minute they get the call!

Little buddy rings – his voice on the line so innocent and small – wants to know if he can go swimming – I knew this was coming. Of course they have a pool – they’re in the plantation – Bartram no less – making Julington Creek look like the cracker jack box community it is. And while I’ll refrain from judging, as I’d love to dwell in an upscale 5000 sq. ft. home of my own – no doubt I’ll have re-programming to do once he returns to our modest home – a stones throw from the rivers edge – a shit shack once called – but comfortable with all the amenities – even though I’ve heard him time and time again, apologizing to his friends for this place he’s always lived – having no idea that it tears my heart out, each and every fucking time – knowing that while he has an abundance of love, toys, gadgets, food, clothing and such – I am unable to provide him the lifestyle in which he aspires to. Trying to teach him that it isn’t the size of the home, but the love that lives within – and no child, I am certain, has ever been loved more. And he gets that – but still he covets – and why wouldn’t he – it’s the human in him – the human in all of us; to want that which we cannot have.

He’ll come home with a plan – as he always does – the size of the pool that would fit in our yard, but having to sacrifice the courtyard that I labored lovingly over for years – now an overgrown jungle of tropical plants whose names I’ve forgotten – potted palms, wild jasmine and wisteria that never blooms. My realm of sanctity gone to the dogs – shih-tzu size turds littering the paths I once gracefully strode – following moon shadows and dreaming the dreams of a wandering fool.

I could go on and on for hours on end – but this is going no where – probably doesn’t even make sense – and honestly, I have to pee – but the tavern doesn’t open till 4:00 and unfortunately I can’t hold it any more…

Happy weekend…

And so it was written…

29 May 2008

I’ve just given the go to pull my books from print. My initial feeling is relief – relief in the fact that I can no longer be judged by those first published works – written when my head and heart were in a completely different place than they are today – when I was looking for escape and found it in creating worlds and controlling all that happened in them. They were fun and frivolous; fulfilling a need that no longer exists.

I also feel a touch of grief, but I know it will pass – as not only am I in a different place, but a much better one, which I hope is reflected in my writing today.

Thanks to everyone who supported me through those first tumultuous years. I’ve learned a lot on this journey; about the craft that is my lifeblood, about myself, about the lit biz in general, and how some people perceive those of us who write because there is no other choice. I can say in all honesty that I’m ready to start writing the next chapter.

Hope you’ll join me for the ride.

Peace…

SEAMUS!!!

29 May 2008

Say it ain’t so, brother…

While I understand your decision to move on, please know that your words have been admired and appreciated from my little corner of the world, and will truly be missed.

May the world be kind – wherever the road takes you.

Au revoir my friend….

Age of Aquarius

28 May 2008

She desperately needed to know the why of it all – contemplated for days and nights on end – reaching inside, re-examining everything she knew of her true self, the life she’d lived to this point, and what little she knew of him. The process exhausting, as she traveled the outer limits, pushing herself farther than she’d ever gone – searching for reason, but finding only one truth; a truth whose acceptance could quite possibly lead to insurmountable consequences; a truth she could no more deny than the stars in the southern sky; a truth she’d been seeking the whole of her life; a truth that renewed her faith in God; a truth that made every moment of suffering worthwhile; a truth so enigmatic that a lifetime of anguish and shattered dreams suddenly made absolute and perfect sense – as the road leading to such ethereal bliss, could be lined with nothing less.

Quote of the day

28 May 2008

“Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.”
~Unknown

Come sail away

27 May 2008

It was a long, hot summer – each day that passed bringing her one step closer to autumn – knowing he soon would be there – brining with him, cool relief from the relentless, sweltering heat that only grew in intensity; and then there were days, like this, when she simply couldn’t go a moment more without release. And so she reached for him, the only way she knew how – the one she’d come to count on – knowing exactly what she needed – always offering willingly.

She leaned back and tried to relax – her body tense in anticipation – eyes closed, wrapping herself in the sound of his voice, lost in the truth of his words – as she imagined him touching her, taking pleasure in her need and her want. She took her time, savoring each touch, each erotic caress, as she imagined he would…if he were the one doing the touching.

Her mind drifting – floating – water lapping gently – to a place she’d never been, with a man she’d never met – where together, in her thoughts, they played soft and teasingly slow, the tightening deep inside growing beyond all reason – her hips moving forward, as she imagined him tasting her – hands in his hair, pulling him to her – crushing her mouth to his, tasting herself greedily – aahhh…aahhh…aahhh – he pushes away – rising above – eyes glazed with passion – blue piercing green – he enters her hard and fast – god, this must be heaven – she grabs his hips to pull him deeper still – her fingers working in his place – until she can’t hold it any longer and lets herself go – calling out to him; knowing that not only can he hear her…but he can feel her as well.

Shadows in Silence

27 May 2008

She wanted so much to believe; every painful step taken, leading to this moment. But in truth she knew nothing, only what she was told, uncertain of her own feelings; listening for whispered undertones; an explanation of the role she was playing, and why. The cynic inside refusing to allow total acceptance, lest she find herself once more alone; wounded on the path, mortally bleeding. For this time she was certain, there would be no return; her heart and mind so weary, from walking on the ledge. No more bittersweet memories or lies to cloud her head. It was truth she sought. What she had come to expect. What she deserved.

Klingons on Uranus

26 May 2008

I woke up this morning with an itch. At first, it was just an annoyance: Taking a shower, itch; making Cole breakfast, itch; standing in line at Starbucks, itch itch; sitting down at my table to write; itch itch itch. I tried over and over, to caress my faithful keys, find something worthy to say, but all I could type was…………itch.

The itch wasn’t on my head; I shampoo daily, thank you very much! It wasn’t on my arms, legs; nor between my toes. It was in a place I care not to mention. As the morning turned to noon, the itch became invasive, violating, all consuming. I decided to see my doctor. I drove recklessly and skidded into the office parking lot. I ran into the office, stopped to catch my breath and walked to the sliding window. The nurse asked me to have a seat. I waited with trepidation, squirming in my chair. I picked up “They” magazine to see if “They” had anything relevant to say; nothing.

“Ms. Terry, Doctor Johnson will see you now.” What an incredible sound; a well crafted sentence – my hope – my salvation – my desperate need. The doctor smiled and greeted me sooner than expected. Thank God, I was beginning to lose my mind; frenzied by the relentless itch.

“What seems to be the problem Jill?”
“I have an itch that won’t go away. It’s driving me insane; more insane than usual.”
“Let’s have a look; get undressed please.”

I undressed and held my breath, waiting for the prognosis.

“Hmm, yes, interesting; typical actually.”
“What is it Doctor Johnson?”
“It appears you have Klingons on Uranus.” I gasped,
“Klingons? What the hell are they? Is there a cure?”

“What are they? Desperate little creatures really; in truth, parasites, sucking the life force from you so they can exist. It’s pathetic, if you want my honest opinion.” The doctor stood up and sighed; “A cure, well, yes and no.”
“What do you mean?” I blurted. He looked at me in silence for what seemed an eternity.
“Well Jill, it’s quite common among female published authors. Ericka Jong never got over hers. I’d rather not mention what it did to Sylvia Plath. Funny thing though, Jacqueline Susann loved hers and refused treatment.”

I held my head in my hands; on the verge of tears; distraught, filled with sorrow, enraged by the irony of it all. I only wanted to share my words; possibly help someone find solace through my experience.

“What can I do?”
“Well, you could stop writing all together, but I know how much it means to you. You could write for television, or you could just block the emails, which is how they find easy access to your system. It makes me wish for the good old days of snail mail. Too bad, it’s not feasible in today’s world; although, you have to admit, no ones going postal any more.” I felt tears running down my cheeks; at a complete loss. The doctor handed me a tissue and a script for sedatives. I smiled weakly, thanked him and walked out.

I drove straight home, digging and scratching the whole way. I made it home without crashing, ran inside, turned on my computer, found my preferences, moved the curser and hit block-block-block-block-block, over and over – a mad woman on the verge of collapse. When it was done I leaned back in my chair and breathed a sigh of relief. The itching disappeared. I silently thanked Doctor Johnson, lit a cigarette and began typing with impunity; free from the needy parasitical Klingons, my life once again my own.

You're so Vain

25 May 2008

You’re so vain
You actually think
This blog is
About you

Disproportionate ego
Taking control
Leading toward the
Path
Stalker road

Relax
Step back
Deep breath
Let it go

You asked of my
Inspiration
I shared a few
Dark tales
A place inside
My muse does
Dwell
Creating spellbinding
Tales

But just because
We’ve emailed
A dozen times
Or so
Does not fucking
Mean
My soul
You know

Make love to
Your wife
Your princess who
Waits
For god’s sake
Don’t think of
Me
While you’re
Doing it

I wanted to be
Your friend
But nothing
More

Obviously yes
More self-help
Work in
Order –

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